Where the hell did swine flu go/Did swine flu go to hell?

Yes, this is the question I asked myself this morning after I woke up from the nightmare in which I was wondering the ghetto in Sofia and could not remember where my flat was, seeing psycho faces all around and walking across the sea trying unsuccessfully not to get my feet wet. I must have been pretty overwhelmed by negative thoughts recently- moreover, since my return to the Vaterland and to the Bulgarian reality of pessimism, unemployment and zigzagging through the holes in the roads and in people's heads, I am becoming cynical. Cynical, but healthy, which is still considered to be the utmost expression of wellbeing. So, yes, I am at least in good health even though this doing-nothing is sucking my energy. Among possible reasons I could think of are: eating my mom's food, plenty of fresh vegetables, enough sleep (if I manage to wake up at all) and last but not least- the fact that I never got the chance to experience swine flu, which obviously all the planet was endangered with.
Where did the swine flu go at all? I have not heard a word about it in several months now and I am really starting to worry. As obviously it failed to knock me down with pain, fever, and endanger my overly precious life, my cynical self has invented some theories about its end, which I will only confine to my small to nonexistent Internet audience. And if they by any chance offend your grief, your feelings and sound politically incorrect (for any clarifications on political correctness, ask the Americans or watch Southpark), I strongly recommend you to interrupt reading this piece of nothing immediately. Anyways, back to the search of the extinct swine flu danger.
Theory number one: Great theories are usually simple theories that only few people dared express because of the simple fact that what they had to say sounded too simple. Let's remember how last year we were all advised to keep good personal hygiene, use antibacterial gels to sanitize our hands and wash them frequently. Well, half the people I know or meet randomly in public bathrooms seem to forget to wash their hands after they visit those facilities. Having in mind the overall number of people on the planet who were actually proven to have died or been affected by swine flu, given that under the swine flu prevention propaganda half of the people I know started washing their hands due to fear of contamination, and applying simple statistical and mathematical laws (you apply them, I cannot) I could conclude the following: all the remaining swine flu viruses went down the drain, washed away by soap, wet wipes and normal tap water. Elementary, my dear Watson.
Theory number two: The erruption of the volcano in Iceland which I for simplistic reasons call Ejaculator (which maybe has little to do with its real name but refers more to its real function) simply destroyed all the remaining H1N1s or sent them high where the skys are blue where airplanes will not fly until further notice. The dark cloud carrying across the European continent rocks, dust, volcano particles and the most explosion-resistent H1N1 maybe passing above your country in the moment you are reading (or not) this. And if it starts raining cats and dogs, celebrate it, it could be raining pigs. Hallelujah!
Theory number three: My least favourite. Having in mind that it is on the pigs to blame for spreading this lethal disease that will not only transform you into a pig but is also threatening to kill you, I guess someone could have well killed the swine species in the middle of some dark night (just like certain people decided to kill Jews, intellectuals, Polish military officials in Katyn, John Kennedy etc-). Maybe no pig is left alive on the earth now except for George Clooney's pet- I have no idea, ask Ms Cannalis. Maybe nowadays we are being served dogs and cats, or mad cows, or soya meat substitutes instead. But at least the swine threat is gone, or so it seems to me.
Theory number four: Polish people, do not hate me. Moreover, if you are angry at the Italian newspaper L'Unita, do not get me involved. I am deeply sorry for the great loss the Polish elite suffered, for the President and its wife, for the high state officials which died in the airplane crash. But has it ever occurred to somebody that maybe they were also carrying on the plane the last remnants of the notorious H1N1 viruses and they sacrificed their lives to save mankind? Because that is what real Catholics do,isn't it? They love their others more than they love themselves. And Kaczynski was a conservative Catholic with conservative values. Thank you, Polish men. You maybe saved my life. Rest in peace.
Theory number five: I actually do not have a fifth theory of my own. But I am going to ask the birds and the cows about their experience, and I will get back to you. Until then, OINK!